FTDS Anglesey.

F*** me, I won the race.

FTDS Anglesey 2.

OK, bit more to it than that. I ought to expand. What happened on Anglesey was pretty special, I won’t say anything else. Any modesty I try to pretend about it is false, we won a bloomin’ race in the dry with a class D car. That’s a class D with a pretty crap engine too, but we did it. This is the first time a race has ever been won by a road car in the dry. It tastes pretty sweet.

Only one race before has ever been won by a roadgoing class XJS, and that was me and my blue beastie then too, in the wet at Oulton Park.

And to prove this win wasn’t just handed to us, we set fastest outright lap on Sunday, again in the dry. You’ll forgive me if I take a few moments to reflect on the fact that on a grid of 25 Jaguars, 75% of the XJS being modified cars with anywhere up to 200bhp more than I have, on wider tyres with less weight, Helen set the fastest lap. 

Forget what I said about putting “E” on the door.

Above all else it’s nice to be able to repay all that help from David and Dermott. The trips up north are a major hassle when Kutuka South dispatches Chief Engineer to correct my errors, the time and effort he has put in are considerable. We had a spark of promise at the Cadwell test, but this is justification that his time and effort weren’t in vain, this car has just set a new record with her first ever race finish and out-paced the entire field on its second. That’s not bad going, some small payment for the time put in.

I said I was heading to Wales with a point to prove, and that ought to do it. I didn’t expect to actually win, that was just to wind Stewert up, but I’ll take it. Nothing to do with my driving talents, it's all due to that pair of McGiverns making the car behave.

Test day showed that the circuit is a bit of a funny bugger. With new open-spoke wheels I expected brake cooling to be better, but what we hadn’t forseen was that after 20 minutes of full-bore driving with the tyres screaming bloody murder every corner, they still hadn’t put on temperature or pressure. They weren’t rolling the rubber, just planing the surface flat like they were polished, and the car was working front and rear tyres identically, same pressure every corner of the car.

Very odd. Conclusion is there simply isn’t the grip there to make the tyres work. Usually, with the Speedline wheels on any other circuit, we know that the front temperatures rocket, the pressures can go up nearly 10psi, a major point to the test is to set the pressures. But we’ve no test data for this track, no test day in ’08, and the conclusion is that this funny, fine tarmac is just too early in the year to offer full traction.

Test data was a little short, Alex had binned the red car at Rocket so it was all hands on deck to fix that, which means a proper test is off, just me lumping round playing with lines and braking points, no actual car tweaks.

As ever, finding another driver to chase as a reference point was key, the Porsche 911 wasn’t really the right car to play with but it was handy. Mark Russell was a better prospect, but he insisted on going grasstracking soon as I went near him. Laptime was bang on last year’s race pace, which was distressing as I know this car’s better than Angelina. Admittedly we’ve lost some power but still… Again, I’m claiming low grip.

Nice to end a test day though without damage, with little tyre wear, the brakes working, even the morning’s oil leak only took 2 bolts to cure.

A bright and clear qualifying was less busy than I thought, I was lucky to get out first, and the pack clearly didn’t ever spread itself out but instead raced each other, because I only lapped about two or three cars, I had a good, clear track. Stewert screwed it up and went out last because he refuses to get ready to go until the last bleedin’ second, so when the results came out it’s me out-qualifying him for the first time in the dry, ever.

3^rd on the grid was a surprise. Nice. Stew 4^th, Alex did few laps with his misfire but put in a good time, we’re all up the sharp end again, hurrah.

With a front hub dust cap gone awol, it’s somewhere on the blackstuff, I will be racing with a new lightweight version, half a Guinness can. My mother is the necessity of invention. No, hang on…

I’ve got woes though, usual tale, class D on p3 is going to be murdered off the start, there is no magic cure for this. Heavy car, low power, less rubber, it’s just physics, I can't do much in a straight drag race against bigger engines. I expect Stewert will pass me instantly, probably Alex to come by early on, and Gail’s E car might do something, I know we thought that thing was a heap of junk but it’s had money thrown at it since, and no-one’s ever said she can’t drive.

Russell is there too, I’m reckoning I'll be p6 or 7 by turn 3, which is about where I put a fast D car in reality on merit. Don’t know about the saloons, but those 4.2 XJ6s look handy, lots of grunt, and that Lewis fella’s blown a lot of XJS away to get p2.

Sure enough, Stew and Russell snort past before turn 1, but Lewis has balls-ed the start and I’m in 4^th, not too shabby. Alex is right behind and he’s got lots of go in that car, I’m expecting to lose out to him at Rocket, after what happened in '08 I'm nervous as hell at that corner and brake far too early now, the Bear will probably get me. I brake a hint early as I watch the lead trio going in there as a very fast gaggle, Palmer leads, Stew and Mark side by side, Lezzer’s going to out-brake him. Plume of smoke and I see Palmer spinning, little cheer cos that means 3^rd place for me if I can hold off the Bear, Chris probably can’t recover from that, catch and pass me in the next 15 min.

My eyebrows go up somewhere above my own helmet as I realise Stew can’t stop in time, he’s going in hot, he can’t take what I’d call the right line because he is holding Mark out, but now Chris is parked there. I watch them crash bonnet to bonnet, see the fibreglass bulge. And Mark’s parked there too now, they’re all nose to nose to tail. A squeal from my tyres as I take a smidge more speed off and take the tight left to miss them all, candy from a baby. Three car pile up at Rocket though, not good, with the pack steaming in that’s bad, I watch Alex in the mirror miss them and Lewis come through, but I’ll bet my left nut someone’s going to collect that accident.

Round to Peel in the lead then, where are the red flags? They don’t appear, I’m staring at the marshalls as I come down the gooseneck, nothing. Hell, that means the race is on, run away!

Can actually feel my heart going like a trip hammer, because I do have the legs on the guys behind me. I can see Alex behind Lewis, and he’ll probably get him, but without practice yesterday I don’t think he’ll quite catch me, so I can win this! The enormity of an outright win for a D class in the dry isn't lost on me, I want that. I said it was my goal for this entire year.

That big saloon in the mirrors is quite a sight though, jumps the kerbs well, leans like a boat, and it’s massive, but it doesn’t half go. I’m faster in the corners but not under braking, I have to be careful so as not to palmer my lead away – (new verb, to palmer : to lose an easy win by making a balls of things for no reason.)

But these first couple of laps it was flat out with all I had, patting the steering wheel down the back straight and shouting “come on Helen” to the car, which is the sort of thing you don’t realise you’ve done aloud til you play back the video afterwards.

I find Stew on the grass at Rocket about half distance, I assume, wrongly, that it’s damage from the crash, I’ve already seen Russell come in so perhaps there’s damage there too. And shortly I spot Alex standing at the fence with the boys, clearly the red car misfire is back, explains where he’s gone from the mirrors, that’s a real shame cos he was on for p2.

Lewis did push me pretty hard, I was full chat when he was pushing me, I only just had an answer for his pace, gap came down at one point but I was able to extend it again, but that was good fun. Pressure but a reasonable gap to maintain rather than having to go defensive and trade paint, we traded times, very gentlemanly. About 2 laps from the end we hit back markers as I was sweating and swearing and looking for the blasted flag. I could see Chris coming but he was much too far back and I didn’t feel the need to drop the hammer, both Lewis and I had concluded battle was over and we’d both backed it off to cruise in.

Having dispatched Dangerous Brian we were reeling in Seath to lap him, which was a bit of a strange feeling as he was technically running third in my class, and Baines rejoined in the X-type, so I took the chequered flag as he got the last lap board and blue flags, all a bit confusing!

Happy as a lamb, D class dry win, the first ever. I forgot that with padding on my rollcage this year the window winder has to be forced past the cage to open the window to wave, but fortunately remembered where the switch is for the air horns, gave the marshalls a blast of the Dixie horn. Little things amuse me, and if sounding the Dukes of Hazzard at the boys in orange isn’t allowed after winning there’s something wrong with the world.

Fair to say that Camp Kutuka had mixed reactions to the race. Eleanor needs bandaging up, the red car needs the ignition diagnosing, even Helen turns out to need the front suspension tightening, both top wishbones were loose. Oops. David at least lubricates his boots nowadays before he kicks you up the bum. But it’s smile time, we still won the race, and there’s a lot of joy to take from the fact it’s our slowest car that did it, it’s always interesting to see who comes to say hello after a good run like that.

Chris Robinson modestly takes credit for the win. He donated the new wheels you see. Good man.

Race 2 was more simple really, I was never going to hold off Chris Palmer, launching from just behind me up the inside with all that power and that low diff, no hope I’ll do him on raw pace really, unless I can hold him til Rocket and try to get a small gap in the twisties. Lights out and I make turn 1 because my natural line into the corner shuts him down, but he’s looking down the outside already and I have to give him the big, deliberate squeeze out wide into 2, though not much option to be honest because I hadn't got the grip to do anything else, for me this entire weekend was like a wet race.

Clear through the hairpin, he’s looking to the outside but I use all the kerb there normally even without the oversteer I’m now flaunting, but I have to cover the inside to turn 3, which means game over because the exit’s compromised and Chris simply powers past on the exit, he’s got a clear half second before Rocket. I gave chase, hope he Palmers it again, pretty close first couple of laps but then we’re level pegging, he took 8 laps faster, I got 4.

Long, hard chase, catching him a one point, I think he’s just backed it off a touch til I look at the lap chart after the race, but fastest lap for Chris was lap 11, so he was hardly cruising in. Mine was lap 12, as I could see him smoking and hoped his engine might go bang. It didn’t.

I settle for p2 by 1.8 seconds, which works out at 0.1 seconds per mile, but console myself with overall fastest lap. That’s definitely not been done before, and it kinda proves yesterday was no fluke, we really were quick.

I still don’t know what the car is doing, understeering hard in fast corners, corner-entry oversteer you can hold with the throttle, far less vicious than at Snetterton mind, maybe we simply reached the grip limit for that tyre on that surface with that weight, the car just won’t go faster without a big change, it’s notable that laps I calmed down for were quicker as I stopped trying to exceed the limits and drove to them. A proper test at Brands will tell me much more.

Double class win for me, first time I’ve ever won both races of a double-header. First race really for Helen these two, first chance to show her mettle, and to win one outright and take fastest lap in the second, she’s a pretty special lady.

Quite how special the JEC were immediately interested in discovering, and can't blame them. Plonked on Ray Ingham’s weigh scales to check legality. 1520kg in post-race trim, which is 10kg over the limit. As I glumly told Terry, that’s heavier than I thought, clearly had too much fuel aboard, could have done another dozen laps.

3 races in then, and no damage so far. Car could go straight to Brands now. Weird.

Was Saturday a real win? Hell yes. I was the quickest car not to make any mistakes. The fastest lap on Sunday though, that has no ifs or buts to it, so I’ll take that whether you give it to me or not.

Anyway, it’s been done now, I can park the car up for the season now!

There is something very special about being able to photograph the car with the winner's garland on and to send that picture to the girl your car is named after, it is one of those moments of satisfaction, one of those "things to do before you die" moments.

Clearly we need to do it more often.