Jaguar XJS Racing Helen From the Driver's Seat 27/10/09

HELEN FTDS SNETTERTON 2 and 3

Snetterton was one of those weekends. With the championship broken at Cadwell I had no expectations. Christobell merely had to tour in to win the title, and all Drago had to do was finish 2nd in class to take class D even if I drove the wheels off the thing, so it was all over.

But that's fine, that's better than fine, it means we go to race and the result doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all anyway, but there is always that little voice in your head muttering that it'd be nice to have a label applied to your success, champion means something, even if it's not much. Take that away and you're a man and an old Jaguar out to prove that even if you're crap at racing, you're less crap than the guy alongside.

Which is when we get to have fun.

This is the point at which Helen rebels. Unhappy with her last-minute repairs after Cadwell she reveals that she's blown her head gasket, we can't keep water in her more than 3 laps. I came in after the third attempt and I sacked her. A message to Chief Engineer merely states "HGF Helen." We don't do long chats. The response is equally brief: "FAB Virgil." Funny, very funny. Ha ha.

Happily, we have three vital things. A head gasket. New bolts. A Dermott. Actually we lost Dermott, he went in his van and came out as Power4Peanuts, which is a different animal.

Whistled off and on again like a whore's drawers, Helen's head gasket is swapped in short order and she goes out to play again. In the last session and it's raining on and off, and she loves those conditions, she slaughters everything out there, and gets to play with her favourite Irishman Mark Russell. She loves hunting V12s on a changeable track, the beauty to no horsepower is less to put on the tarmac!

To race day and a 37-car quali. Outrageous. Completely insane. Set a hot lap? I'd love to, show me where and when, there's no bloody road left.

Bear blows past like a guided missile, that bloody Lezzer sticks it up my inside at Coram - hello, it's qualifying! - and after that it's spinning cars all over the damned track, culminating in a fresh-from-the-pits Lyddall suiciding his car into a gap I'd decided was stupid, tagging his front wing on my just-dry paint in the process. We'll be having words...

Closing on Darth Pearce at Sear he looks in the mirror and waves to me. I wave back, and he engages warp drive, his Mk2 just goes, and I'm waving at nothing like you're in a bar waving back to a girl who knows the guy just behind you...

With Simon Seath out-qualifying Drago, and Drago with damage, it's actually looking a bit dubious, on dropped rounds when I take the clean sweep of points - the arrogant assumption being that I will of course! - then if ol' Seathy can stay in p2 that's equal points heading into Sunday. Maybe I'd better drive carefully.

Lights out and I'm swamped by modified cars. Bear and Lez are off at the front, but Coppock and Palmer are scorching off, and then it's Loz, then Merrett past me, and the orange-fronted Ramm in the mirror, and having seen the 6 Kawaspastic throttle bodies on that thing it's gloomy times.

Last time I was here I span the new car at Coram chasing Loz, it had lift-off oversteer by the gallon. Now she doesn't. Play it safe, or chase him? What to do...

Ten minutes of clean, close, highly-amused chase ensues, I don't care which mirror he looks in, Helen's in it. Left, right, it doesn't matter. Got some lovely drafting practice, I'm nowhere on horsepower, but it's fun in the bends.

It's clear that we have Sear better, got completely alongside and edged 3/4 in front on the exit, not enough to squeeze him, but enough time to poke a hand out of the window and invite him to overtake, bit cheeky that, but it's now traditional to wave at people along Revett.

I've had battles with Loz before, always been a bit wary as he can be a hard and determined racer, but this was great fun, and that bit of mercy you need to give each other was just enough to make this entertainment. It was almost a shame when he blocked a brake as I danced in the mirrors and he ran wide at Sear, by the time we reach the essess with me in front it's over and Helen can show her cornering prowess.

Class D win to boot, I sorta forgot I was after points. With Drago 3rd again that's level pegging, I think. Or it will be if I win and he's 2nd, I'll win on wins.

Spot the professional driver...

To day 2 then, and time to swap the front discs. I killed them on the track day at Cadwell, then drove on them on the test day. And then 2 qualis. And 2 races. And Snett test. And quali. And race. It was getting silly to be honest, pulled the wheel hard left when I hit the pedal, perfect for the essess though.

While I'm here we'll save the tyres and put some old junk on to use up. And find no rear pads left. A panic swap and just done as they call us. And the battery's flat. Bump start and off to assembly. No time to even check tyre pressures, whatever they were at leaving Oulton park 3 months ago is it. Oh dear.

Can't stop the car, daren't stall. Too many revs at the start and wheelspin, Bear is causing all sorts of chaos ahead and Ray Hill blows past, and Simon Seath. Bugger. I need to be in front of him to win D. Nothing to lose again then, right! I do love those words.

Dummied Ray Hill, guess what, outbraked himself at Sear first time of asking, Loz was better than that, and hare after Seath, but the blighter has a faster car down the straights.

I daren't dive at him because I need to do it clean and he might really really want to win, and whilst we think about it Burton does the pair of us at the essess, but whilst they gather that up I nip up the inside to try to do both into Bomb Hole. Half successful, back after Seath again. Sigh.

A lap later and it's a simple outbrake at the end of Revett into class lead, and give it the beans to make sure we get the point for fastest lap. It wasn't what I'd call balls-out totally committed, we were 7/10ths off what I think was my class D record last year, and that was full bananas, so this car at least appears to have parity with the old one. Thank Christ for that.

Re-scrutineered for the second time in 2 days. I love being re-checked for legality, it's so nice when you know you're clean and you can take the piss and claim to have nitrous fitted. 17kg overweight, and not a bent bit in sight, those who throw the accusations will no doubt be apologising any minute now...

Class D title in the clear then, sorta by accident. Sweet.