HELEN FROM THE DRIVER'S SEAT

MALLORY. DID I MENTION I DON'T LIKE IT?

Damage limitation. Out-qualified for the first time since Rockingham 2008, a car handling so woefully that I wondered what the hell I was doing wrong, minor collision damage, but class win and fastest lap somehow salvaged despite being about 4^th fastest D car out there.

Quali was very hard. The change of ride height made things worse, the car was a real handful, armfuls of oversteer as soon as I went near the throttle. Gerrards was an exercise in bravery, which is not the way Helen usually plays. Usually bolted to the floor, today was like the track had been oiled. With my ability to fly through the corners negated, I was a sitting duck for anyone who could apply the throttle from Gregory* onwards, she was twitching and needing the odd lift even at Diane*

The essess were worse than on Wednesday, and the hairpin flicked the tail out as soon as I even looked at the throttle in 2^nd gear.

Hasty re-adjustment of the ride height carried out. Tyre pressures changed. To do this between quali and race shows the level of desperation I’d sunk to. I don’t fear oversteer, but I don’t want it. I don’t soil myself when it happens, but it’s not the way I want to race, my car setup usually is aimed at eradicating oversteer unless you really provoke it on purpose, so this does not suit me at all, I can’t carry speed like this.

I hate this place.

The timesheets were a shock. 17/1000 behind Drage. My first defeat in 2 ½ seasons. Clearly I was just going to have to race harder and be braver, embrace the oversteer. Presumably there will be startline chaos, and if I can pick my way through it I should be able to do the outside move even with my car not working, get in front of Drage and then block like hell.

Little we could do to help out John Gregory, his car blew a head gasket but it’s the second time for it now, that head was going nowhere further without a skim, and we just ran out of fixes and time for that one. Sad, in that we wanted him to get the Mallory monkey off his back.

Saloons returning from their race with all manner of damage, at least 6 of them have had a bite of each other, some of them are in a right state. At least it’s not the XJS for once, the S in general have actually had a very clean year so far. Look at the races this season and look for XJS damage, almost none.

To the race then, and I have some concerns how I’m going to make this work. My plan is that whatever it is has to be done immediately.

Lights out, and the V12s oblige by making lousy starts. Stewert is a cloud of tyre smoke, Coppock doesn’t do much better, Ramm is up to p3, Beard all over Coppock’s tail. Stew goes to the outside at Gerrards and runs out of road, goes bucketing down the grass, but Drage hasn’t steered his way through it all very well, I’m in front with Comer in the mirror, job done! If, IF, I can stay here .

Stay away to leave Stew room to come back on, and into the essess to watch a rotating Palmer leaving the track, and the Bear take the lead. It is sad that in that moment my head tots up the points gained if he DNFs vs if he rejoins, even as I steer through the smoke.

Of course, I do still kinda need to make the flag in front to maximise the gain. Head down and go, tyres are set for early-race performance, they will get worse later. Coming out of the hairpin and Comer is static, the front end smashed in, now it’s Seath in the mirror. Curious.

Clear air, a Beard to chase down, chaos behind me, time to practice what I believe the police refer to as GLF – go like... Lap 2 is somehow class D’s fastest lap. How I have no idea, it must have been my bravest, but it was a y terrifying car to drive. After that it was a long, long race as the car got slower and more difficult. She was at least predictably unpredictable. A few laps in and there’s a bang as Seath gets his braking wrong and has a nibble of my rear bumper, but I’m not too concerned, I attach them well these days, and I have the ironwork still under there.

Stew coming through disrupts the D chase, gives me a few moments to breathe, Comer now comes through to pass Seath back, his chattering bodykit rubbing on the tarmac gives his position away as an audible warning, like we fitted him with a bell. He’s close, but not close enough, bizarrely a concentrated charge out of D, taking the risk of the big oversteer, is paying off, and my lunge at the essess is fast enough even in this state to leave me clear at the hairpin. The real pain is the exit from the hairpin, because I just cannot get round the corner with power on, I’m almost stationary on the way in to avoid getting it broadside, there are D cars scampering left or right behind me, and the ability to turn in with power on puts them back on me into the Elbow.

Encountering Crossley at about 2/3 distance I was exceptionally rude to him at the essess. No choice, I had to pass him as soon as I encountered him, put him between me and Philip going into the hairpin, but it meant as Helen lost grip mid-corner poor old Richard would have got a side window full of blue rolling towards him, his evasive action saved our collective bacon big-time. It scared the hell out of me, that’s for sure.

A long white shape in a cloud of dust ahead makes me think Stewert’s tyres have given up, but as I get there the shiny wheels tell me it’s the Coppock machine beached in the grit at Gerrards. Most curious.

My saviour, bizarrely, is Ray Ingham, coming through in the V12 he distracts the lemmings in pursuit. Admittedly he then holds me up at Gerrards immediately afterwards, I thought I was slow through here, but I’m having to lift. It’s a net gain though, initially, until it becomes clear that one of us has either got faster or slower, because I’m holding him now, and Comer is closing again. Right, so V12 in front I’m faster than in the bends, but slower than down the straights, backing me into the guy I’ve been working hard to build a gap on. Shit.

Desperately looking for the last lap board, and it never comes, this race is going on forever. The tyres are off, the grip has gone, I am so screwed. Now I know what it feels like to be a mid-pack class D car again.

Out of the hairpin and it lights the tyres big time, I get so crossed up I have to let go of the wheel, straighten up and hit the power again to find I’m not straight and it’s a big slide again, gather it up and look for Philip, who has disappeared so must be alongside somewhere, so it looks like a straight drag race, but I’m fairly sure I have more torque, I’m in front, and there, thank Christ, is the flag, race over. Tenth of a second in it. That’ll presumably teach me to crow about the 7 seconds per lap advantage I had at Oulton.

Never had such a difficult dry race, ever. No weapons to fight with, nothing I could do to make it go faster, just trying my best to smooth out the lairy behaviour and coax her to do what I want. Never felt so vulnerable in that car, just waiting to be picked off.

Timesheets that show I got fastest lap baffle me. No way I deserved that, the race gods must have been smiling on me today, I was nowhere near the fastest D car out there.

At least the Bear won, and with Coppock off, Stew wins class G. Not only that, but with Bear getting fastest lap, Palmer 4^th, we make good progress in each championship today.

Before Silverstone though I need to do some serious investigation. It seems that the wild slide at the end of the Oulton Park race may not have been the tyres going off. I think I have a more fundamental problem.

The only change to the car this time out is a change from 50 to 45 tyres, and I don’t see that making this sort of difference. I can’t see anything wrong in the suspension.

My suspicion is that the diff has lost its powerlock. It would explain a lot if so. It is a very clear symptom. It’s not corner entry oversteer. It’s not lift-off oversteer. It is on application of the throttle, plain and simple, and not big inputs either, no fierce weight transfer going on. I am increasingly convinced I’m only driving one wheel in the corners.

It was entertaining to discover how many people demanded an explanation of my lack of pace. You know, I was racing with the other class D cars, like I’m supposed to.

Oh, and that prediction I made? Big name in the gravel – check, Coppock. More than one top-flight car off – check, Palmer, Coppock and Lyddall the only people to have an off. Good Kutuka weekend – check, three class wins, three lots of 16 points. Headed by the Bear – check.

Spooky, isn’t it?

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Photo by Doris Cranberry Juice.

Just to confuse us, this is a photo by the other Gage....

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THAT GODFORSAKEN STINKING CESS PIT

Most-played in the garage this week - Journey

Injury of the week - broken toe, again.

Helper of the week - Officer David.

Photo by Roger Gage