Having read a race report or two by now and not recognising the race at all, and noting the terrible trait to insert spins and falsely-tiny laptime gaps to add excitement, Kutuka's writer got a little, erm, drunk, and wrote his own version of the Silverstone meeting....

SILVERSTONE

Thrilling racing at the most spectacular, twisting circuit that the world has to offer, a massive field of some or more Jaguars took to Silverstone’s tarmac in a dry torrential downpour of snow, with several drivers spinning in the paddock and everyone without fail performing a perfect 360 degree spin in the assembly area.

Joint qualifying saw a new lap record set by every car each lap, followed by a spin. The incomparable Stewert Lyddall achieved a new wet-weather terminal velocity record of 3000mph in his much-modified Krakatoa 14 litre XJRS, battling old rival Derek "Batman" Pearce in a totally-standard gleaming concours Mk2 he was driving in a flying helmet and goggles. Both of them had a spin.

Grip, tyres, traction, blah blah blah, rain.

Steve Avery was sideways for the entire lap, including the straights, stopping only to have a spin, whilst Gail Hill, a previous XJS champion, was contesting the race on Shergar. She managed to spin the horse at Luffield. She's a girl you know.

Some cars raced in class D, but we don’t really care about them because it’s boring, it's not like they're trying or anything. They all had spins.

Alex Harrison was racing in a car but we don’t really care about it being brand new and untested because he's not very rich, so we'll pretend it didn't happen. I’m sure he had a spin though.

Lawrence Coppock had been blindfolded and was racing using only the Force and his satnav, which luckily could keep up with having a spin at 640mph. We like his moustache.

To the race then and red lights had been replaced by the cast of Moulin Rouge, who started the race by throwing petticoats on track. Every car shot off into the lead of the race, each taking turns to lead to Copse, where the entire field had a spin.

Chris Palmer led out of Copse, spinning in the process, but forgot to fill up his boiler with coal and had to stop for a cigarette. Realising he’d get lonely, good pal Lyddall performed a full barrel roll and parked next to him so they could have a nice chat about soap powder. Both watched from the wall, periodically running up and down to have a spin.

Alex Harrison took the lead for four seconds before a dragon ate his car and he had to resort to running the race in his trainers. Because he forgot to spin he stayed in the lead for a bit longer but we don’t really care how long or if he got a lead or anything because he's too tall.

Lawrence Coppock on the other hand is just the right height, so he drove really well, spinning often to amuse us all. He had a red car with stripes on it, that changed colour to all white because the rain washed off the red, which is why you all think there was a change of leader.

Ian Drage was locked in a titanic battle with many many cars, all crossing the line within a millionth of a second, but we don’t know who they were, all had spins but he did best and probably won some sort of award. I bet he won his class. He has a blue car. It was on fire.

Roger Webster has a beard. It doesn’t spin. We don’t know what to make of him now he’s driver’s rep, but he either had a really close race with Mike Sharman, who wasn’t out, or he won the race or something, but we’re sure he had a lovely spin. His car was being chased by a large chicken dressed in the armour of a samurai warrior for the entire race.

There was a new guy out. He had a green car with orange bits. They were really orange. We’d like to talk a bit more about it. The mirrors were orange, and the wheels, and did we mention that the car was green, Bentley green we think, with orange bits to it. He span the best.

Steve Avery had a car. We call him "sideways." He likes to have a spin or two, so he did that a lot, and he did a loop the loop and a stall turn, then he flew down the straight upside down showing his bottom to the crowd. He had a race with some cars, it was really good. They were all on fire. They all crossed the line on top of each other in 0.0000000001 second.

Peter Burton closely fought for the lead in his immaculate yellow class G XJRS 6 litre Jaguar V12 manual yellow 6 litre XJS racing car, which has a 6 litre V12 in it. He had a spin.

There were some XJ6s driven by Dorlins and Byes, but they just had spins and things, and honestly we keep forgetting which Dorlin is which anyway, they're always at the front so we just pick a name at random and there's a pretty good chance we got the right winner. Rest assured though, they all span.

The lovely Gail Hill wore a nurse’s uniform and won the whole race, twice over. She span every lap just for fun despite changing her horse for a tricycle at half distance. She’s a girl you know.

Chris Boon owns a Jaguar. He did the whole race in reverse just to show off.

Phil Woods also has a Jaguar. He has less hair than Chris Boon, which is how we tell them apart. Also we think Phil might have a different race number, but other than that they’re just the same and both have green cars. Phil is a wily driver who might have been racing, we’re not sure. His car was on fire, and had a spin.

Patrick Doyle’s Jaguar is red with black bits on. He races pensioners and has been known to hurl Werthers’ Original at them for distraction. He was in this race without a pensioner, and did some nice spins whilst racing whoever it was that he raced. It was probably Brian George, but he'd gone down the shops for more Rizlas.

Anyone called Harrison stayed in bed and didn’t go out to race.

At half distance everyone had a spin. Paul Merrett was riding on top of his car with his hair blowing in the wind, using reins to control his spinning car, which was on fire. We don’t think anyone was with him on track, but we’ll check. It’s most likely that he was racing Stewert Lyddall for the lead, because even though Lyddall was running up and down the tyre wall with Palmer he must have been at the front, except for when Lawrence Coppock or Gail Hill won.

Everyone crossed the finish line at the same time and then there was a big party.

Ralph Hosier wasn't there but would have won driver of the day if he'd turned up.